Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

I think I've been in a constant state of depression since i was 5. I don't really remember a time when i was happy. Events in my childhood saw to that. It's been like a prison.
 
I use comedy to lift my spirits. Hanging out with friends. Smoke weed. Other than that I just feel a void where my feelings used to be. Unmedicated. Tried SSRIs for a few months but I felt really weird and anxious about taking them so I stopped. Pokedex entry no. 132 for therapy. I just don't think they understood. I guess I just got used to it. Even if it does make me a bitter person who no one really likes.
 
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hey :c obviously not thrilled to post but here it goes

usually I'm the type of guy to not take many things seriously and laugh off my problems when I can, but I feel like that's been a problem recently that's getting to me. opportunities are running through my hands like grains of sand and i'm too powerless to pick them up and do something with them. I scored the dream high school summer internship at a university for one of my passions, but three weeks in and i'm bored out of my mind when I know I shouldn't be. I come so close to achieving something where I want to (qualifying for an official big hearthstone tournament, getting more active/losing a bit of weight, the ever so important high school romance scene) but I give up quickly and without a fight. bored and grasping for distractions has become the default and I haven't felt real happiness/fulfillment for way too long. it fucking sucks.

it's hard to confront my issues in a reasonably comfortable area (friends turn it into a joke, expecting that I'm being facetious about it) but I know I need to do it sometime because i'm scared of a future where this persists. would love & appreciate any advice on how to get over this general apathy and getting help.
 
Hey, qsns!

I have been through a very similar problem a few months ago. Many things you descibred there were also happening to me, like the lack of happiness, the whole distraction thing and difficulty to find pleasure even in activities you like. I tried to figure it out by myself, changing some habit and stuff, but things just got better when I got to see a psychologist.

It may not be the case for you, but if you have been feeling like this for a considerably long time, I recommend you go see some therapyst, school conselour of something like that. :] It took me months to grab the phone and schedule it, but it made wonders for me. That being said, I'll write down here a few things I made and helped me, even a while.
  • First off, try to find why are you feeling this way. You might not come with one answer, but many, because maybe there is not a single reason for you.
  • Schedule things. Try creating a routine. Like, play hearthstone for one hour, browse through memes in the next half hour, then eat, then do whatever you like and so on. It is not meant to be strictly followed - see it as a guideline for your daily activities.
  • Go to the gym. It is hard to start, but after you are there it really helps. You can do other physical activity if you want, a friend of mine started punching a sandbag, but in the gym you will kinda be "forced" to go, because you are paying, there are limited times in the week you can go and so on.
  • Try discovering old pleasures. In my case, I left many things behind because they did not made me happy anymore. However, after a while I picked them up again and it was a little better. :] To me, it was soccer. It was my passion back them, but I did not watch a single game for the whole year. I am starting again and finding pleasure in it. It is not a thing that will come naturally, I had to push me into watching and going to the stadium.

After I started seeing my psychologist, she introduced me to new perspectives. Take this follow lines with a bit of salt, because no human being is equal to other and I am just a random guy with broken english on an internet forum. Just some topics to your think about it - I will be talking about my own experience, so it might not be true to you. I second that you should look for professional help if you struggle to be happy:

Sometimes, what you are feeling is not constant, and depending on events on your life, you will feel better of all of this, and by times it will worsen. In my case, she said, I created a kind of "shell" and hid in it - I was beeing apathetic and hiding from a lot of experiences because they were not making me happy, so it was my body trying to defend itself from the environment. Or something like this lol is a bit more complicated. To soften it, you have to find strenght to change habits until they become natural. Of course if it was that easy it would not be a problem, but she shaid that it should be done by few steps.

i.e. I had problems to go outside - I spent like eight or nine months just going to work and university. If I had to go to the supermarket or stuff it would be super hard and I would feel uncomfortable there. She said I should start going out one time per week - to places like a square, a park, places with few people around etc just so I could know better how I feel to be able to solve the problem.

All this wall of text to say DON'T WORRY FAM, take your time while dealing with this and go little by little if necessary :] it is not easy, but try not to pressure yourself. A lot of people at younger ages struggle with similar issues, so even if your friends are not that supportive, there are people around in similar spots. Mental health is fucking important, so I am going to say for the third time, if you think you need help, don't neglect it and go see a proffessional asap. :]

hope you start feeling better soon. feel free to hit me on PMs here at Smogon or at discord (lula_preso#3234) if you need to talk or something

peace
 
using this post to vent pretty hard right now, just frustrated with the way things are going and no matter what i don't seem to be able to get out of this slump. i feel like i've been on a downward spiral for the last 3 years or so and i'm not even half the person i was back then. i'm just stuck in the same routine day in day out with no change whatsoever like what am i even working towards? what's the end goal? for the first time in my life i feel like i'm making zero progress towards anything and even now i am struggling to even give a shit or make a change. it's pretty crushing looking around at other people your age and what they are accomplishing and experiencing while you're just existing watching the world pass you by

never before in my life have i felt so isolated and alone. i don't really have any friends, the only conversation i get is small talk from work colleagues who i have nothing in common with and i feel like any semblance of my personality is drying up completely. in social situations i feel so out of place and awkward, like i shouldn't be here and how could anyone tolerate me. i have nothing to offer anyone, not rude or particularly good looking, just so empty of life and purpose that how could anyone ever find me enjoyable to be around or god forbid attractive. a few people ask me what i do outside of work and having to lie all the time because you're the guy with nothing going for him is awful

sometimes i feel so disconnected from reality, like time is moving so fast and i'm just a witness to it all. i'm 21 now and now newly qualified in my job but just have lost all the passion and energy i used to have. all i want to do now is sleep and anything else loses my interest entirely. i used to go to the gym 3 times a week and was in good shape, but over the past 18 months or so i've put on quite a bit of weight. the idea of changing that doesn't interest me at all and it bothers me.

i don't know what to do, i've been to therapy and counseling, been on medication for 3 years, tried sports but nothing changes. feel like i'm pissing in the wind at this point
 

OLD GREGG (im back baby)

old gregg for life
using this post to vent pretty hard right now, just frustrated with the way things are going and no matter what i don't seem to be able to get out of this slump. i feel like i've been on a downward spiral for the last 3 years or so and i'm not even half the person i was back then. i'm just stuck in the same routine day in day out with no change whatsoever like what am i even working towards? what's the end goal? for the first time in my life i feel like i'm making zero progress towards anything and even now i am struggling to even give a shit or make a change. it's pretty crushing looking around at other people your age and what they are accomplishing and experiencing while you're just existing watching the world pass you by

never before in my life have i felt so isolated and alone. i don't really have any friends, the only conversation i get is small talk from work colleagues who i have nothing in common with and i feel like any semblance of my personality is drying up completely. in social situations i feel so out of place and awkward, like i shouldn't be here and how could anyone tolerate me. i have nothing to offer anyone, not rude or particularly good looking, just so empty of life and purpose that how could anyone ever find me enjoyable to be around or god forbid attractive. a few people ask me what i do outside of work and having to lie all the time because you're the guy with nothing going for him is awful

sometimes i feel so disconnected from reality, like time is moving so fast and i'm just a witness to it all. i'm 21 now and now newly qualified in my job but just have lost all the passion and energy i used to have. all i want to do now is sleep and anything else loses my interest entirely. i used to go to the gym 3 times a week and was in good shape, but over the past 18 months or so i've put on quite a bit of weight. the idea of changing that doesn't interest me at all and it bothers me.

i don't know what to do, i've been to therapy and counseling, been on medication for 3 years, tried sports but nothing changes. feel like i'm pissing in the wind at this point
everyone has slumps, okay?
this is going to come off harsh but i think you need to hear these words:

the pity party you have been throwing yourself is not really conducive to any actual good results...feeling sorry for yourself isn't a good look and will gain you zero sympathy with anyone who has been there and done that. you want a change? make one! talking down on yourself when you are young and employed is just pathetic; yes, i am brutally honest. no, im not sorry about it. all the meds and therapy in the world won't turn water to wine. you have all the power to change your life within you and when a person gets as far gone as you seem to be, it usually takes a really good reason to want to change.
the lack of motivation and will is the biggest hurdle in your way from where i can see. have a long talk with yourself -you don't need input from others to decide a path that will lead you to happiness- evaluate what matters to you and what you want to do with yourself. once you have those answers all will fall in place. best of luck to you.
 
Hi, I didn't know where else to go, but recently my life feels so stressful and depressing. I had to go to a new school in my old district because I failed Algebra 2 and Geometry completely and my old school required 4 years of mathematics to graduate. So here I am, trying to adjust and despite the school having a notorious reputation, and the math class I'm taking is so much easier, my main complaint is from the social factors. First of all, spending 7 years at my elementary school has negatively impacted my social skills. I don't do well in large groups, and it has caused me to become introverted, shy, and lack self-esteem and confidence. That's why when I apply to college, I'm only applying to small colleges. But anyway, my first issue comes from Spanish class; there's this kid who's rather rude to me, like stretching in my personal space and reading my test scores. Then there is the class. As I've mentioned earlier, I'm really shy, so when the teacher calls on me, I stammer, and that's really embarrassing. Then there's the test. I'm a terrible test taker, so I usually do average to poor in tests even if I study a lot. The teacher thinks that I'm not appropriate for the level and now wants to give me a diagnostic test to see if I'm ready for this level. But I'm supposed to be at this level. I passed the previous level with a B. If I go down, I won't get credit for it. And then there's art. I love art, and I want to pursue a BFA, but I've been feeling outclassed not just now, but a majority of my life as well. To put in Perspective, I come from a family in which everyone got A's, while I can barley get Bs. Speaking of which, my brother was one of those perfect students. He always got straight A's, got 5 on all AP exams, and got 720 on SAT. Me on the other hand, has to work just as hard to get B. He's so good that he just read one Chapter of SAT US History, and he got all right, while I had to work twice as hard and only got a 490 on my US subject test. Even though my parents say it's ok not to be like him, I constantly ask myself, "why am I not like him? '' because if I was, my parents wouldn't have to stress over me. I could have stayed with my friends at my old school. I wouldn't feel so alone. Speaking of which, I miss my own friends so much. Especially this one girl. I lied to her about me leaving. Now I feel so guilty for life lying to her.
I wondered why I lied to her; and I think I know why I did it: I had feelings for her. So there's this guilt feeling, having no friends, and being outclassed all on my mind now. I feel like I want to tear myself apart everyday, and fear going to school. Thanks for reading. I began writing a diary to help express myself, but having a place to share is so nice.
 
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Soul Fly

IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
is a Contributor Alumnus
Dude, fuck what your brother did, what society praises, or how well you test.

every school has a valedictorian, and most valedictorians do jack shit in life.

If you want to do a BFA just focus your single-minded attention to it. You don't need to ace spanish or geometry to make it to art school, you just need to pass them, and have devotion to art in order to apply. Solve one problem, solve the next..... when you solve enough problems you survive. it's probably a harsh thing to say, but that at least how I've rationalised it to cope.
 

OLD GREGG (im back baby)

old gregg for life
I'll try to sum it up to the best of my abilities. I'll condense a lot of information that range from my childhood up to now and it's a lot.

I'll also have to leave A LOT of things out so that it can fit in here. It'll be like 5% of what I've lived, and even then I'll simplify everything because it's really damn complex. Also, my english is kinda bad, so I hope it's readable.

I've been depressed for really a long time. Can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.

Always been a prodigy, the kind that would only get straight A's and be praised by some for it.

But, you see, when I was younger (5-6 yo) my mother (also a prodigy from a very young age, a respected doctor) had a burnout from excessive work. She always had some predisposition towards developing schizophrenia, which led to her effectively becoming mentally ill and also becoming unable to handle both work and taking care of a young child under the given scenario. She was also obliged to do all by herself, since my father left us when I was even younger after being caught having sex with my babysitter. She then started getting really unhappy and also developing serious depression.
Life haven't been good ever since then.

Mother then got not only mentally but also physically ill. She started getting really paranoid due to her mental condition and couldn't handle work as she used to cuz' she was sick too. She would often move on to new cities and sometimes even out of the country looking for job, because she would quickly grow paranoid about the people who she worked with and started to pick up fights with them, which led towards the fact that she would be constantly moving around. Sometimes I would follow her, sometimes not (if that was the case, she would leave me with my grandmother).
That led to the fact that I would often move away from my friends, never being able to have long lasting relationships which also contributed to the difficulty of sustaining relationships that I have today. Also, I got raped by that time, which traumatized her a lot more than it did to me. Actually, I barely remember it since I was really young, but she recalls it perfectly.

She would often get angry at me for no reason at all, torturing me and forcing me to confess things that I never did. I would often question my own sanity because of that. The few friends that I had she personally took away from me. I would cry on a daily basis, I was really sad back then. I loved my mother so much that I never even considered the remote possibility of her being wrong - I would always immediately assume that I was the one who were problematic. And she would often enforce that idea.
Some kids at my school would often pick up fights with me because they started noticing that I was an easy, frail target. I never responded to that, but I've developed a lot of insecurities due to this. I've also developed a serious eating disorder because of that (anorexia).

Both my house and the school were terrible places to be at. Every day was the worst day of my life.

Things got even worse after mother picked up a serious fight with my grandma and a big part of our family got taken on that too. We didn't have anyone else besides them, and after she did that we didn't have anyone for us at all. And it was everything due to her paranoia, because grandma didn't do anything to her. She started getting even worse.

She also became incapable of working afterwards, which led to us having no income at all and having no one else to help us. Right after that she tried to kill herself. She threatened to do it many times but never actually tried to until this day.

I saw it with my very own eyes. I remember that day like if it was yesterday. She got really drunk, beated me and heard some really loud depressive music all night long. Then she proceeded to lock herself on her own room and take some drug at a lethal dosage. Not only that, but she also planned to electrocute herself with her hairdryer to further ensure she would no be able to survive, but she passed out sooner than she predicted due to the drugs she took earlier. That gave me time to hear the noise that was coming from there before it was too late. It was unusual to hear a hairdryer turned on for so long, therefore I decided to check what was happening there. I called her many times and she didn't respond to it, so I broke through the door and found her lying uncouncious on the ground. Called for help and got lucky it arrived right on time.

After that, I have never cried again. Not even once. And it has been a long time since then.

I followed her recovery proccess from that thing she did tried to do. I would often stand by her side and see her having allucinations during the night, because she needed someone to watch after her during that period. She also had a lot of difficulty walking and speaking on the first days that followed her suicide attempt. She was also unable to eat, use the bathroom or do anything by herself. It was pitiful.

After she recovered, grandma called us to live with her, even though my mother accused her of doing terrible things. Mother accepted, leading us to move to my grandma house.

By that period she started getting EVEN WORSE. She was so paranoid that she would often pick fights when we tried to sleep, screaming all night long and sometimes beating both me and my grandma. The rest of my family then deciced to intervene and force a compulsory hospitalization upon her. She actually got away with that.

Then, for the first time in my life, I decided to drop out of school. I started getting really sick often, being unable to attend classes and had no motivation whatsoever to do it anyways. Started thinking about suicide by that time, too. I had no reason to keep moving on. No dreams, no family, no friends, nothing.

Then my mother moved away from here to live on a flat that belongs to one of her aunts. Her aunt had a lot of properties she didn't really live at, and she decided to let my mother stay at one of them by the time. It was like 3 years ago. By that time I decided to have a serious talk with my mother about the way she treated me and how I felt about it. By the first time on my entire life I felt like I wasn't the problem (before that I would often think that I was the one who was doing something wrong, I had a lot of respect for my mother despite everything. Also I was really young), so I decided to confront her. She didn't take me seriously and offended me. Then I decided that I would never talk to her if she didn't look for treatment (which apparently she never did), and I have never seen her face once again. It's been a fairly long time since then.

I've been living with my grandma ever since then. Right after that talk happened I even looked for a school, enrolled myself and got back to study. But it didn't take long for me to have a break down. Depression took a serious hit on me and I wasn't able to attend to classes once again, even though I had a lot of friends and was doing just fine there.

Then I dropped out from school once again and moved away from the people that I just started developing friendship.

The things that I've experienced my entire life left some wounds that never healed. Also, right after that I started developing some kind of disease that affects my stomach due to my eating disorder and weak metabolism. I was actually hoping it killed me before I found someone who convinced me to treat. I've moved away from this person too.

Tried to treat my depression with assistance from specialized professional help many times, but it never worked. I really did put all my effort on trying to make therapy succeed, but it was all for nothing. Been some months since I've decided not to treat my depression since it never worked out.

I've also tried to suicide after I left my last school, but I failed on doing so. Curious part is that it was pretty similar to what my mother tried to do.

Every day is the same and things are meaningless lately. I have no purpose whatsoever. I've tried to stand up against my depression many times, but it is always in vain. I feel like I should just give up already. I feel nothing but a lot of regret and emptiness. Maybe my mother's life would have been easier if I killed myself when I was younger and then things would have been easier for her. Maybe I'll never be able to leave this state of stagnation until I die either due to my health condition or to my own hands.

I don't cry anymore. I don't have any reason to. I don't hold any regard for my own well being anyway anyhow. I don't see a point in life anymore. There is no reason to cry for something that has no value whatsoever.

And maybe that's how things will end. Pitiful indeed, but I don't care anymore.

I've also omitted a lot of impotant facts in order to be able to sum up a bit of my story. Things go really deeper down the rabbit hole, but it would be impossible to put everything on a single post without making it a awfully long book series.

Well, that's it. Hope it serves you guys somehow.

It is good to express these thoughts and all the others that are bothering you. I understand you have had a difficult past and it is important for you to understand that many people have difficult times. You may feel all alone but what are you doing to interact with people in real life? Chatting online is not the same as being with friends, doesn't count. Isolation can often make things worse when we are upset and if you are the one isolating then you should stop it. Suicide will accomplish what? You will never reconcile or fix anything from a casket but hey that's your choice. This hopelessness that apparently consumes you is a rather large hurdle. Your pessimism is understandable but also very counterproductive. You will either leave the past where it belongs and move on with life or you will be miserable, really simple. You need to come to terms with your circumstances and realize that your mom is a person first and a mother second. We all make bad decisions and bad choices. I think if you really quit dwelling on what has happened to you and start focusing on what you want to make happen then your life can be a lot better.
 
Throwaway account. I'm already a member here but I don't currently feel comfortable admitting this stuff without a shroud of anonymity. It's not because I think it'll be poorly received but because I want to take my journey of making my mental health problems public at a pace that I feel in control of. That's a bit of a tautology actually lol but I just want to get this off my chest and provide my insights to others, I think they'll be useful.

I underwent therapy last year to treat anxiety, out of which it was discovered I was depressed and the anxiety was merely a reaction to it and masking it. This year I've been undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, and have started to improve enough that it's unlikely I'll need any more serious intervention (drugs etc). I am a fairly high-functioning adult - I live independently, am financially stable and have friends. I realize that depression is something I will always have to battle, but it's no different to fighting a physical disability, or gender/racial discrimination. It's just something you gotta deal with. And knowing that DOES make it easier.

The hardest part about depression is recognizing the problem in the first place. For over over two decades I had literally no fucking idea that there was anything wrong with me. At college I touched the surface of general loneliness issues but again, these were symptoms of a depressive brain that would shut itself out from the world and as a result be deprived of connection with the outside and get stuck inside itself. Depression is very good at hiding itself from not only the sufferer but those around her/him - it's a manifestation of the brain trying its best to maintain the status quo, avoiding new things to minimize perceived risks. Unless you've had/have depression and are aware of it, it's hard to see the signs in others. Even worse, if those around you are depressive they won't see anything wrong with you because they'll think that's just how everyone generally is. So when I reached the end of my first therapy cycle my anxiety symptoms started to drop off and the true beast was revealed.

I was full of thought patterns that my brain would regularly traverse that were reinforcing negative views about myself. Thought patterns that therapy showed had such old origins that I was scarcely aware of them. I'm talking about stuff like having your mother beat you because you didn't get an A in math in 2nd grade, which then manifests later on as crippling fear of failure. Or your mother forgetting to pick you up from school, so that your aunt has to pick you up and look after you that evening - forever feeling worthless (neither of these things happened to me, but they are illustrative). Your rationalizations for these events then go on to act as rules to live by: "if I try harder I'll be good enough". Problem is, when things go wrong these rules reinforce low self esteem: "I didn't get an A, I'm worthless". And they don't just reinforce themselves in your head: they reinforce themselves by choosing your activities, or the people to hang out with. You might take up chess to prove your self-worth to the world and mistake the relief of not judging yourself for failing when you win a tournament for real happiness. When instead what might really make you happy is woodwork because it gets you doing stuff with your hands and there's no competitive aspect to it. Or maybe you really do enjoy chess. Personally my whole compass of what I liked and didn't like was completely skewed by a constant need to prove myself. And that's a shitty way to live because you'll never be the best at everything while missing the joy in life. It was also skewed by crippling self-judgement based on arbitrary rules I set up in my head when I was younger. Rules that are total fucking bullshit - I mean who the fuck cares if I go for a run around the block at midnight. There are no kids around to laugh at me, and even if there were it's definitely worth the improvement I see to in my cardiovascular health.

CBT helped my identify, come to terms with and begin to replace, or at least dismiss them. The human aspect of it helped immensely, too. Part of the journey of understanding the broken machinery in your head comes from realizing, then confronting horrible shit in your head. I cried during two of my sessions. In others I got angry at my ex-girlfriend, and at my father. I started to believe that I wasn't a shitty human being, and slowly learned to stop hating myself. Once I could achieve that, my thoughts could become more productive. "I struck out with him" becomes "I feel like shit but that's ok. There wasn't any chemistry, I'll move on to someone else" rather than "why didn't he like me? Am I not pretty enough?" x 100 while you drive home and you t-bone a truck because you were too distracted by your hairline in the mirror to see 8 tonnes of steel coming at you. And emotionally, once you recognize your feelings of rejection rather than rationalizing them by saying that he'd like you if you were hotter, you can move past them and action them. Maybe you do need to go to the gym more. But maybe you need to look elsewhere. Depression makes you very narrow minded, and doesn't allow you make use of your reasoning abilities and information surrounding you. Because you were too busy judging your own unsuitability you're ignoring his abject lack of a sense of humor, and was giving you nothing to riff off of. You couldn't have a proper chat with the guy no matter how chiselled his jawline was and how amazing it is that loves animals. But no, what depression does is take that lovely rational thought process that's in sync with your emotions as well as your thoughts, and bulldozes it with "I'M A FUCKING IDIOT" in big bold red letters. Maybe that rule worked when you were six and it bulldozed past any temptations to answer back to your dad because it stopped you getting your head kicked in by a violent drunk, but that shit is like the bible man. It don't work no more. Depression is making decisions that are no good because they're based on obsolete rules.

I learned to judge myself less when shit goes wrong, or when I had a bad interaction with someone. Rather than immediately look inward and think of how I could blame myself for it. Don't get me wrong, it's healthy to be able to identify your own weaknesses and faults, but not at the expense of identifying them in others. Often we try to judge ourselves specifically to avoid confronting other people's shittiness (at least I was).

I was never at any real risk of offing myself and based on that alone I know there are plenty others who have it far, far worse than me. For others it might take more to get control of the inner demon that is their depression. It took me 20+ years and two years of therapy to get to a level of self-esteem and mental function that people without depression take as a given. For others it just means that the road is longer, and more intervention is required. Your brain is just a broken machine: it thinks the solution is to kill itself and that's because it's too broken to see any other option. When your leg is broken you go to a doctor to fix it, you're not fucking wolverine m8

the tl;dr of this is fuck you real the whole thing, chances are you're american reading this in which case I'm literally giving you a free therapy session because what I'm talking about here is a standard treatment for depression that you get for free in countries like the UK but ameripoors have to pay for and then call it freedom for having to do so
 
How do you guys deal with a lack of motivation? That's something I'm having half way through college....I can't find the motivation to do anything; some days I don't even go to class anymore; doing homework is a chore, I'm listless and tired and disinterested. I literally could not care less at this point. Gonna go to a therapist, but it's scary to feel so numb.
Hmm, so there's two things for me. One is the removal of available alternate activities that would otherwise distract me when I'm doing work. If I try study at home I can't get myself to focus on my work when my 3DS/phone/PS4/reddit is right there and is so much less of an effort to focus my attention on. Remove those types of distractions as much as possible (libraries help here, idk what your computer situation is but I literally bought a second laptop so I could only do work on it). Second is when you do something productive but boring, like go to the library and do some homework, pair it with something pleasant. I always get an iced coffee and something tasty from the bakery when I go to the library and study, for instance, which makes me feel a lot better about it. Having said that, this advice imo is much more useful for homework and stuff, where it's your choice what to do about it. It's less effective when it comes to going to class since that feels more like an obligation. Still, doing homework is pretty important, and can definitely make up for shortcomings in class attendance. Anyway, the idea is that by associating it with something positive you're doing something that has some pleasant components while doing something productive as well, which hopefully makes you feel a little better and it just builds from there.

A more drastic step is to critically evaluate what it is you enjoy and want to be doing. If that differs from what you're doing now, try to find a way to turn what you'd like to do into something that can actually be productive down the line. For me I decided I wanted to make games which I'm uh, not doing, but, I have learned to code as a result of that, which is something that's definitely worthwhile and in stark contrast to the idea that playing video games is wasting time

edit: Also find positive things you think you'll enjoy where you're personally accountable if you don't show up- it'll feel bad letting everyone know if you're not going which is a good motivator, while chances are you'll enjoy the activity once you're actually doing it. Joining a sports team springs to mind as something that fits the bill here
 
That's excellent advice. I'll try to make some changes in my daily routine then.
The other thing I was struggling with but not so much anymore is just alcohol abuse; I hated being alone with my thoughts, because they'd only put me in a really dark place. Same reason I need music playing most of the time. That's less of a cut and dry problem, but I'm sure that's something guys here might be dealing with. Wanna hear how you cope.
I know this initially sounds like the opposite of what you should do, but you might consider trying meditation. I think it could help with multiple aspects of what you're dealing with. If you genuinely fear being alone with your thoughts, continuously avoiding and distracting yourself from them is only a temporary measure that makes them that much more sinister while they simmer in the back of your mind. You fear those thoughts, and you're operating based on that fear. Living primarily on fear stifles healthy and necessary change. Long-term, that can lead you to a bad place.

What meditation does is it allows you to confront those thoughts and see them for what they are. Passing ideas that ultimately have no power over you. You let them wash over you, you observe them, and then you let them wash away.
 
I've been alive for 21 years and I very rarely experienced anything that is significantly depressing but the most depressing and heartbreaking moment is last year in college where I was studying and training as a cadet pilot and was studied concurrently with ground school lessons along with practical flying lessons. My start was certainly a very rough one because the training academy I was in had a culture where the instructors are there to 'grind their own flight hours' so that they can be hired by airline companies and because of their working philosophy it is felt like that they did not possess the code of conduct of a teacher which was meant to do everything within their power to bring the best out of their apprentices/students. Because of this culture my practical flight lessons kept clashing with ground school lessons and I had to frequently re-watch lecture recordings due to these clashes. The process was certainly a very morale consuming experience and trying to balance output between the two was seeming impossible as I always find myself to have lacked in sleep and overall poor situational awareness, decision making and memory.

Now comes the worst part, since for some reason everyone else in my academy seems to be handling while I was struggling so hard my former instructor gossiped behind my back by saying '(I) a sorry excuse of a pilot, he's barely having progress lmao' and a handful peers in my academy all gave me a look as if they are telling me that I should just give up and pursue another career. Had cried for back to back days and nights just trying to ease this depression and feeling.

How I managed this depression is I dropped out of the academy in search for another one with an overall better learning culture, paid my parents a visit whom i discussed what are some alternative options to the pursuit of this career and both suggested just to try again.

looking back today what can really be evaluated in this experience is that life will always unexpectedly throw you an obstacle that will both test your mental limits and may cause yourself to question yourself whenever the path you pursue is truly the correct path to walk which will evoke both discouragement and depression in extreme cases but two things in life will without doubt help you overcome any obstacle you may face. The first one is support from family. To have someone as faithful as your family members to help you ease mental pain and recharge depleted morale is always a valuable possession to have surrounded by. The second one is a steadfast spirit. Often times it requires commitment and patience to develop one of these but the ability to disregard those who question your skills and trust in your own guts is what truly allows one to make the seemingly impossible possible.

and these are my two methods on tackling some depressions experienced in life. Depend on your families as if they are a part of your own body and never question yourself to overcome life difficulties. Have both and any depression and difficulties in life is without doubt never unmanageable.

P.S i chose this username both for smogon and for PS as a catalyst to remind myself this WILL be my future career.
 
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There was a period between 2009 and 2012 where I'd left school, I was unemployed and felt absolutely miserable. I don't know if it was full on clinical depression, but it was fucking horrible and easily the worst time of my life. Sending off application after application and getting nowhere really knocks your self esteem, and mine hadn't been great before. There were days when I could barely bring myself to get out of bed, and on a few occasions I did consider suicide.

What got me through it was my refusal to give up. I had the mindset that the world wanted me to pack it in and die, so I resolved to live to spite it. I know that sounds crazy - honestly looking back it kind of was. But you have to look for the metaphorical light in the tunnel. Even if someone looks like they have their life together, they might have crippling personal issues. Think of a swan - they look all calm and serene, but under the water they're paddling like mad. Don't compare your life to other people's - your life is your life, and comparing yourself to other people won't help you.

In the end, and I know it sounds cliche, but you just have to keep going and hope for the best. Talk to your friends and family - they care about you, and want to help you.
 
I've been thinking about making a post in here for a long time and finally decided to do it because talking about stuff helps a lot.

Anyway, hi. I've been depressed for quite some time. I think it started sometime after 9th grade of HS. Idk why but 9th grade was a weird year for me since I wasnt happy w the school i was in, didnt have many friends, and i was having some family issues as well. This continued throughout hs but i never really did anything about it bc my family is kinda weird and doesnt really believe in mental illnesses and it wasnt really affecting other aspects of my life (school, social life, other responsibilities) that much. Well, of course it was affecting it but not to a high degree. It came in cycles and ranged from just feeling sad / exhausted / unmotivated to suicidal thoughts and things like that. I made some really good friends in hs and they helped me a lot. Overall had a great experience so it wasnt that bad in hindsight. Anyway, i started college and the first couple weeks were great but then i fell into a really bad cycle. I have a habit of procrastination and it wasnt really an issue before since id always get stuff done + get a good grade on it but it became an issue now. I joined some program at my school and began to see an academic counselor (she basically helped w the procrastination issue by helping me make a schedule and having me follow it) and it did help. I think around this time i developed a really bad anxiety issue which also turned into some social anxiety where i literally couldnt get up to go to class most days. Idk how to explain the feeling but im sure others who experience it can relate. It just really sucks. School is one of the most important things to me so doing bad in it really messed me up. Around november, i fortunately had a failed suicide attempt and went home and cried to my sister (i think it was the first time since like middle school). Following this, i experienced this euphoria, i cant really explain it but the next couple days i felt really relaxed and not really worried about anything. Everything went on normally and i ended up finishing the semester on a good note.

Second semester was a bit different because i had absolutely 0 motivation and didnt care about anything at all. i hated it because i know fucking up now means id have to play catch up for a while. the cycle was pretty much: i dont care about anything, responsibilities come forward, im now filled with anxiety and feel overwhelmed, and so on. it was really really bad and i hated it. luckily i some how got thru the semester and started dating an amazing girl whos been a huge help. over the summer i scheduled therapy sessions thru my school's health center and got an official diagnosis but i skipped the rest of the sessions. i rescheduled and skipped that one too. idk why i somehow got it in my head that i have to 'go thru this alone'. maybe ive been watching too much netflix lol. anyway, im 2 months into my 2nd year now and things are really really really bad. i skipped my core classes the entirety of september and failed my 1st math exam. ive been doing ok in my other classes but honestly its just embarrassing bc math is and has always been my best subject. i have another exam on tuesday which i havent begun to study for and it will be hard to cram since i went to 2 sessions this month. my relationship is kinda hanging in there bc ive been avoiding my gf. shes been understanding but im just being really dumb by not being open with her and she has enough to worry about anyway w school and stuff. ive also been avoiding my close friends i really dont know why but i feel bad about it even tho they've also been very understanding.

to get thru this stuff ive decided the following:

once my exam/project stuff is over, im going to reschedule the therapy session and not skip it lol (i hope)
im going to stop skipping class as everytime i do i feel guilty and it just adds to the negative feelings
im going to talk to my professors and explain to them whats going on
im going to talk to my gf and tell her exactly whats going on
im going to work with a non-profit started by my friend in order to surround myself w good, positive, motivated people
im going to stop avoiding my friends since they really just want to help

hopefully i can maintain the energy and outlook necessary to accomplish all these. to anyone else going thru the same / similar stuff, i encourage you to approach it logically and try to form a plan that'll give you a more positive outlook on life and try to talk to people. talking honestly helps a lot. i also want to thank my friends on this site since every little thing DOES indeed help. those friendly hellos or whatever goes a long way. back to talking, if anyone ever wants to talk about anything or is going thru some hard times, feel free to pm me or find me on discord. im always willing to help someone. writing this was kinda hard but also a relief getting it off my chest. thanks if you read all of this and good luck if you're going thru similar stuff as well

Edit: after posting this I got some really nice and sweet messages. Thanks so much you guys, it means a lot and goes a long way <3
yo, its been a little over a year and i wanna talk about what has happened since and also mention some things i learned along the way.

since the time of the post, the following has happened:

i ended my 3rd semester (first sem of sophomore yr) on a fine note. got a couple A's and one D which i was content w considering i literally skipped school for like a month and then some. i never went to that therapy session cus im wack. i actually tried talking to my profs at the time but pussied out. i talked to my gf and she was extremely understanding and supportive. same with my friends. never started working w the nonprofit since things went wrong on their end (i didnt bail on it tho)

so 2nd semester of sophomore i started out pretty great. i was doing hw on like saturdays that were due like the following thursday and stuff and was just motivated / in control of mostly everything. then on february 17 (yea i remember the exact day) something went wrong and since then i started the cycle of skipping class and not doing hw etc etc. it got bad to the point where i failed 3 classes which was a huuuuuge wake up call and i had to retake em in the summer and so i did and got a's and b's. thinking that i did fine in the summer session and it would carry into the fall, i STILL did not go to a therapy session.

now its fall 2017 and i start out ok. i miss class on some bad days, some late hw's in the beginning etc etc. im doing a lot better than i was in the spring but not as good as i want to. still an improvement tho. anyway, the week after thanksgiving was just extremely bad. i have no idea what happened but sunday night i went to sleep with severe suicidal thoughts which carried into the morning. and in the morning i had a ridiculous anxiety attack which lasted for like 2 hrs. this continued on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. finally thursday night i talked to a professor and some friends who advised and even pleaded for me to seek help. so out of desperation i made an appointment for friday morning and finally went. it lasted for like an hour and i learned new things about myself and felt as though there is hope for change, that i will get better. this happened on december 1st and since then theres been a significant decrease in negative feelings and such. i felt mostly energetic throughout the days, was able to remain motivated to do various things and stuff. every day wasnt great, i did have some bad days, and some even harder days which is to be expected since obviously i wont magically get better after one meeting but man it feels fucking amazing to not feel like shit all the time.

i still have some slightly strained relations w friends, family, and i dont see my gf often enough (shes overly understanding tho) so im working on that. honestly, im just sort of embarrassed bc of this. i know i shouldnt be but that embarrassment grew into some social anxiety and ive been afraid to face my friends about it even tho i know they wont really judge me for not being at my best. its something i will work on in the coming months

i know im not saying anything new but the biggest piece of advice i can give someone is to talk to people. working out of a hole like this is difficult and takes time but its a lot easier when not doing it alone. it took me 1 yr to go to a damn counseling session and im glad i did. but even before, that i was constantly talking w friends, even on smogon. special shoutout to nikka #1 teal6 who was the 1 dude that convinced me to go lmfao. ok it was more out of desperation but hes a good guy (pm him or starmaster on discord for spl tryouts)

and lastly, if anyone is having a hard time and cant find someone to talk to please dont hesitate to either pm me on here or discord (obii#3532)

thanks for reading and good luck to anyone else on the path of healing
 
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Martin

A monoid in the category of endofunctors
is a Smogon Discord Contributoris a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnus
I feel worthless. I'm watching everyone around me move forward and yet it feels like time for me has just totally stopped, and yet I can't seem to work up the strength to carry on each day and force myself to move forward, whether that means job-hunting, looking around at my options for additional education, or even pursuing some of the personal projects that I mentioned in my mod bio to let me say this time hasn't been totally wasted. My life is stagnating and I feel like I'm being suspended above a black abyss. This year has honestly been extremely stressful and I've just been totally overwhelmed with information and other stuff that I need to absorb, between my A levels, Aspergers' Syndrome diagnosis, drama in the lead-up to me getting mods and a load of other stuff that I can't remember off of the top of my head, and it's really taken its toll on me mentally to the point that I've just wasted the past almost-five months of life being unable to do... anything. I can find solace in anime, movies, music and circus games/video games, but these are just all temporary distractions from the bigger issue at hand–pathetic coping mechanisms that I use to help me keep my spirits up enough to get out of bed in the morning... or afternoon, depending on how shit I feel when I wake up. Without them I probably wouldn't be able to maintain any semblance of normality in my life, instead curling up in my bed all day, not eating, not seeing my parents, and not venturing outside for chores or band rehearsals or... anything else.

My old graphics class had a meetup earlier today–just us meeting up at someone's house, eating some food, catching up etc.–nothing too fancy–and I forced myself to go in the hopes that it would help me take a step forward out of this slump. However, when I got there and everyone was talking about their lives and the courses they're on and the stuff they've done on their gap years, and when it was my turn to answer their questions I had nothing to say in response. My chest and throat both just clammed up and I bullshitted some stuff through my teeth to make it sound like I was looking around and that I had some semblance of a sense of direction and normality in my life (even if it still boiled down to just me saying I'm a NEET who's uncertain about what he wants to do), and when the the time came for me to go home, I went around the corner and found somewhere to curl up and hide, and I just began sobbing; I ended up being curled up there for 20 minutes before I felt I was ready to dry my eyes and force myself to head home. I feel like, in the space of one evening, I've just backtracked on any progress I've made towards a stable sense of mind since the start of my A levels over two years ago, and I still feel like there's a gaping hole in my stomach and chest that I can't fill no matter what I do. I don't feel suicidal, but at the same time I'm struggling to find any purpose or reason for why I am in this world, and I don't know who I can turn to or how I can pull myself free of this stagnation, and it is just really scary.

I might go to sleep soon; my belly aches, and I don't know what time I'll be able to bring myself to pull myself out of bed tomorrow, and even if I achieve that I don't know if I'll just migrate to the sofa to take solace in the unreal, bright, bubbly worlds which are out of my reach like I have done for the past 5 months–no, 2 years–or whether I'll be able to do anything constructive at all. I just felt I needed to write this down somewhere–to get these feelings out in an impersonal enough way for me to feel a little relief, if only temporary, from this mental torture that I'm unintentionally subjecting myself to.
 

Max. Optimizer

free to be the greatest
is a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnus
Greetings Martin!

In this thread I'd like to welcome the opportunity to share a couple of things with you (and everybody else for that matter) that could potentially be relevant to your situation. As someone who's been suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks for the past 7 years, I can relate to your situation to a considerable extent.

It's not something that you get overnight, it slowly develops over a period of time and it traps you in this seemingly endless mental vicious circle in which everything seems hopeless and you only really start to realize the extent of your situation when it's already too late. Notice how I used the word "seemingly" in my previous sentence? It's important to keep in mind that this mental illness creates an "illusion" that wants to make you believe that your situation is permanent and that, no matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to change it anyway, right? I can however tell you from my very own experience that both acceptance and the understanding of how depression works are already two initial key steps that will lead you to the path to recovery.

You don't know me, but I have a bad subconscious tendency of talking way too much and, while there's definitely a lot to say about the issue at hand, I'll try to keep it as concise as possible:
  1. Patience and self-discipline are important prerequisites. I know that it seems unfair that people, whose moral is often completely down, constantly have to get back on their feet, but I'm afraid that it's unavoidable - "you" have to do most of the work, it's in "your" hands.
  2. Medication and professional help (antidepressants, psychiatrists etc.) are helpful, but they can only get you so far. Consider them helpful means and a safety net, not a panacea.
  3. Communication is important. Don't let depression isolate you. Talk to someone. The human soul is a valve that occasionally needs to be opened in order to blow off steam. You have the right to complain about your situation every now and then, but be careful not to sink into self-pity. This is yet another dangerous subconscious trap that depression has in its repertoire. Those who always pity themselves will never be able to bring about any change. I joined a self-help group back then and exchanging experiences with people that are in the same boat has helped me a lot. Not only did it take away that illusion that I'm all alone and that nobody understands me, but it has also showed me that these people haven't given up yet either (even though the situation of some people was much worse than mine). As far as acceptance and communication are concerned, you've clearly already made the right first steps. Now keep moving at your own pace and don't feel ashamed if you occasionally stumble. Even if you fall flat on your face, you still move forwards in a sense.
  4. A regulated daily routine is equally important. You should try to develop a habit to wake up everyday at the same time and to go to bed every day at the same time. While you can of course still spend some time in front of your computer, it's important to broaden your variety of activities. This can be something simple like going for a walk (maybe with a dog from a local shelter), visiting a friend, practicing your instruments, painting, you name it. You're gifted with musical talent, so why not use it to your advantage? Write songs, write lyrics, be creative! I for example took painting lessons in a local art atelier and I'm currently passionately studying my 6th language since I want to become a translator and/or interpreter in the future. The trick here is that your hobbies, studies and work keep you too busy for you to ponder too much about your depression.
  5. Be honest - both with yourself and the people around you. Also don't feel ashamed or guilty. Sadly it's still a societal "taboo", but depression is something that literally anybody can experience at some point sooner or later in their life. Nobody is immune to it and just because you suffer from it doesn't mean that you're pathetic or inferior. Also don't compare yourself to other people. I can tell you, once again from my very own experience, that this is easier said than done but it's a helpful mindset that you should adopt. Take care of yourself at your own pace. So what if others progressed faster or further than you? That's just how life is. You'll come out of this situation stronger than before and you'll be able to catch up.
  6. Eat healthy and go for walks or play some sports. As the Ancient Romans already said: "Mens sana in corpore sano", which is Latin for "A healthy mind inside a healthy body".
Every person works differently, but I'm certain that these general pieces of advice can be useful to you (and everybody else for that matter)!
Again, I tried to keep it as concise as possible, but if you feel like talking or if you have any other questions, please feel free to message me either here or on Discord.
 
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Alore

i'm sorry
is a Battle Simulator Staff Alumnus
Elise

I know how this feels and often wish my own existence away and hide this from everyone I possibly can.

When it comes to Depression it is a mental illness and it isn't anybody's fault at all, nobody wants it and nobody asks for it.

Similarly to you, I missed numerous classes (attended 10 in 1 year), am emotionally disconnected from both of my parents despite caring about them because I inadvertantly devote my time to other aspects of life, lost motivation and enjoyment out of things I once loved to the point only watching Football, South Park and sitting on PS talking to nobody is practically my existence. I began having Suicidal Thoughts fairly recently which is what made me realise I needed to seek help immediately.

The best way I've found to cope with these tendencies, urges and feelings is finding an escape. Something that distracts you from reality temporarily but not eternally. For me this came in the form of both alone time and emersing myself in music whilst also surrounding myself with laidback chill people who suit my vibe and understand me irl (well aside from the whole Depression aspect, but I know for a fact my main friend at University is sympathetic towards those with Depression despite the fact he has no idea.)

Also, seeking medical help was incredibly beneficial. When I visited the Doctor last year and a few months ago to confess about the illness and get a diagnosis they were very empathetic and despite me thinking the entire time prior to it that they wouldn't take me seriously or see my problems as miniscule or irrelevant. They understand the illness better than anyone, better than I ever could. Anti-depressants helped end my Depression last Summer and lead to a generally much more productive, happier existence. My Depression came back again this year as a result of coming back to University however I sought help earlier and have been on anti-depressants once again which help ALOT.

You really shouldn't beat yourself up so much as I know the reality of how that feels, it isn't nice and in reality you are always going to be worth more than you think you are, especially to others. They will see the good qualities you have that you yourself can not see.

I'm bad at advice but I hope by telling you of the ways I have coped with mine that maybe you can take some of them on board to help you cope with it at least a little better.

Trying not to dwell on your thoughts and tendencies is important, try to be proactive and take action.

If you feel medical help would be beneficial, seek it especially when enduring suicidal thoughts.
Try to find people with similar interests that think the same way as you to spend your time with.

Also, remember, sometimes it is okay not to be okay, don't hate yourself / be hard on yourself for the way you are feeling.

Sorry if I didn't help or if I rambled too much, but yeah I hope it helped.

Edit: Also, hiding it from everyone isn't always a good thing. I wish I had people I could tell. If there is anyone you feel comfortable telling that would understand or help then do it because that support will be very beneficial for you,
 
I've skim read this thread. Observations:
It seems to be mostly people sharing their own experiences. That's cool
Mental ill health seems to be more common amongst us nerds sadly. :(

As someone who has managed to stabilise their own mental state, I'll share a guide in a form you are more likely to enjoy - a teambuilding guide ;)
At the moment it's a screenshot from a discord chat, so i'll write it up properly if there is sufficient demand.
 

Attachments

I guess it's a good thing that no one's posted in this thread so far in 2018. But all good things must come to an end because I have some stuff I want to get off my chest. I've posted in this thread before back at the very bottom of the first page if you want to know what was on my mind way back then(about 1.5 years ago as of the time of this post). But yeah, my depression is weird. **ALSO, BEFORE YOU READ, I WANT TO NOTE THAT I MIGHT SOUND LIKE A DEPRESSED PIECE OF SHIT BUT I NEVER ONCE TOOK AN ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE OR AT EVEN SELF HARM SO DON'T WORRY! IT'S JUST MY EMOTIONAL WELL BEING** Like I said before:
I have two parents still together
I have no family problems regarding drugs/alcohol
I don't have any traumatic family or friend death experiences
So why am I depressed? Well, in my original post, I said it started when I was around 13. But I don't honestly think that's accurate. In fact, I'd say it started when I was around 11/12(6th grade). Like I said before, I was homeschooled from kindergarten until I was a freshman in high school. As you can imagine, this will have caused a bunch of problems down the road but let's step back to 2011/2012. I'm in 6th grade. My parents introduce a new homeschooling program. This new program that's different than how I was taught K-5 and it's really fucking hard because of the ridiculous amount of homework I'm assigned every day in every class. I was stressed as fuck. I'm only 11 when the school year starts. My parents get pissed when I start slacking off on homework I didn't do(To tell you the truth I don't know how anyone can possibly do that much homework and keep up), and stuff but they passed me anyway because they had the authority to do that and wanted me to graduate high school in 2018. It gets worse in 7th grade. This is when I start getting addicted to porn. I know some people have different beliefs about how bad porn really is, but my parents hammered Christian beliefs into me my whole life so I felt like I was a disappointment for getting into it. I just turned 13 when I got caught. This feeling of being a disappointment, along with my stress at the time from the aforementioned homework load worsens my depression. Eighth grade was not as bad because not as much happened that year minus the same homework load I've had since sixth grade but I was still quietly addicted to pornography. Freshman year and I'm FINALLY out of the house and into the real world...Except in a charter school where most kids go because they got kicked out of the school they attended or had problems with that school etc and there were people that got held back many times, and druggies, and juvenile delinquents, etc....yay. This is the school you send your 14 year old to begin high school? Granted, my classes were piss easy but did you ever consider the social situation? Whatever. I did NOT want to be homeschooled again but being sent to this school again as a sophomore sounded like hell. So God listened...but He threw me for a loop and told my entire family to move halfway across the country to a state where NONE of our family has EVER been to. Oh boy won't these next 3 years be fun... I thought. And I was right. The place where we moved is not very welcoming to "out of staters" as they're referred to. It's not easy to make friends in general if you're not from here. Let alone, someone like me who's struggled making friends his entire life due to his shy nature due to being homeschooled. And yes, I have struggled to make friends. The friends I have made, I've been bad about talking to, and affiliating with because of my depression turning me into an isolationist. All of the events I described have created an individual who hates talking to people, just goes through the motions, and feels like a disappointment.
But it's not just situational stuff either. I hate myself because, like I've mentioned, I feel like a failure. I have had high expectations all my life. I should have much better grades than I do, but because I am god awful at math, and even worse at taking any standardized math test(including the SAT) I feel like I won't amount to much. And this is coming from the son of a woman who was the valedictorian of her high school class of a decent size school and majored in math in college. Not to mention, the aforementioned pornography addiction I got myself into in junior high(BTW the last time I watched porn was 9th grade and I'm in 12th as of this post). And because my parents are Christian, they hate that I swear. I don't do it in front of them and I try to tell them that it's a respect thing that I don't swear in front of respected adults/authority but they won't hear it.
But I can't feel this way forever. I'm 18. I'm a senior in high school, and after June 12th, I'm effectively a college student. Why should I be starting college as a depressed bum? That's why I'm trying to get better. But it's not easy. I appreciate any advice I have to improve my emotional state.
**AND IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED YOURSELF PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING DRASTIC AND GET HELP! I WAS DUMB AND KEPT IT TO MYSELF SO DON'T DO WHAT I DID AND TELL SOMEONE LIKE AN ADULT OR A THERAPIST**
 
If I was a flavor of coffee, it would be "Depresso"!

Heh.

bad pun. Okay so I am depressed and I'm making this thread in large part to ask people how they cope with depression they have or had, but also to provide a place for other depressed people to vent their feelings and /or just have someone to listen to them. So feel free to post in this thread.

As for me? Well looking back I think my depression started two years ago when my dad died:[ I really loved him a lot and apparently he died from sort of heart thing because he didn't check in with his doctor so he didn't know it was going to happen. We were going back from Modell's and everything with football gear when it happened, and found out at home. Utter devastation. I can remember most of the details even now. Not having a parent around to nurture you as a child is really harsh, i mean especially at adolescence when so much shit is happening anyway. My mom is usually at work too, so it's like, fuck. I've only begun to realize the extent of my depression yesterday, BUT its been there in some form since basically august 2014, when he died.

so yeah there's my story, feel free to post
My own dad died in a similar way a couple years before the OP's, November 2012 from a heart attack following a brief illness. I was 11 years old in the 6th grade and my dad was supposed to be picking me up from school that day, but I was surprised when my step-dad's car showed up instead. He drove me home in silence without telling me what happened until I got home.

The past 5 years have been difficult as all hell, but currently I'm doing better than I have in a long time, doing pretty well in school after having to be pulled out of school for 2 years following his death, and homeschooled. I'm a junior in highschool and I have hopes of getting into Pre-Med after senior year.

I've dealt with mental illness from anxeity, manic mood swings, and depression my whole life, and I'm always willing to listen to anything anybody wants to share.
 

PDC

street spirit fade out
is a Team Rater Alumnusis a Top Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Four-Time Past WCoP Champion
i'll bite

i've been depressed for about 7 years now. since i was in 6th grade. what provoked me to actually write about this now is really just a small annoyance - finding out a girl i'm interested in is dating somebody else - but the immense feelings of loneliness that correspond with such an arbitrary subject really makes me think that it's time to talk about it.

so yeah, i've been depressed for as long as i can remember being anything but a child. it happened one day in the winter of 6th grade. i don't know "what" happened, but i know that i just started feeling different one night. i couldn't explain it. it was like this cloud was over me and the world was permanently dreary. i remember i got pizza that day, and even after getting pizza i couldn't feel better. i vomited later that night and was actually glad i did, because it made me feel better. as if i could blame my bad feelings on that pizza i was allergic to. it didn't make me feel better for long. for the entirety of middle school - freshman year i pretty much thought about killing myself every single day. i was too much of a narcissist even back then to actually do it, and i don't think i ever would kill myself no matter the circumstance, but the thoughts were still there. they still bothered me constantly and always just...were there. it's hard to explain. i remember wondering if i'd kill myself in the summer because i'd be so bored that i would have nothing to do. even today i still am afraid of situations where i could "do it" because as some visceral level i'm afraid that i just might jump off the rocks or throw myself out the car. i would never actually do it, but i think about it a lot.

i haven't been happy in a long time. i've been excited, but in reality all i ever feel is anger, sadness, complacency, or excitement. honestly i don't even know what happiness even remotely feels like anymore. it feels weird to write this sentence out, but that's the truth. i don't know what it means to be more than excited over a joke or a good grade. and the lows are the worst. if i do bad on an assignment i'll feel as if i'm having a break down and get immensely depressed for an hour or two. the smallest things set me off, and i don't really know why. sometimes i'll get irrationally angry over things, or irrationally sad. anger that makes me want to punch holes into everything i see, or just fucking scream.

my living situation isn't bad, nor are my grades. i'm doing fine. but everything else, especially socially, seems to be such a burden. people like me. i've never been somebody that was hated. but i don't really...."do" anything with anybody else. i hang out with people in the lounge, but i don't want to go out. i talk to people in classes and keep in contact with hs friends, but i don't ever go out. i just stay in my dorm all day. and that loneliness is incredibly annoying. that loneliness is probably the reason this arbitrary realization regarding that girl set me off to write this post; just a small thing makes me feel like such garbage. something is wrong. i'm pretty high-function, i can go out and act like a normal person and talk on discord like a normal person but that doesn't mean much when in reality i really do feel terrible half of the time. not even terrible, actually. i just feel neutral. that might even feel worse. because feeling terrible means you feel something at all, and really all i ever feel is neutrality, anger, or excitement, or tension. or anxiety.

i've always been able to laugh and help people with their problems, but this is one which i really just can't seem to solve. i'm supposed to be the advice guy who is smart and knows how to deal with relationships, but in reality i'm just a pathetic individual. i have no initiative with relationships. i'm afraid people won't like me. i don't like doing new things ever. i feel like complete trash sometimes and there is never anything i do about it. i'm terrified of rejection, annoyed by social gatherings (but at the same time want to be apart of them), and am pissed off by everything sometimes. if i do one thing wrong socially i'll dwell on it for days.

for those reading that know me - i'll be fine. i've been fine for nearly a decade now. but sometimes, like tonight, i just get very disappointed with who i am and what i do. it bothers me. it really does. i hate feeling this way but don't care enough to change it. i probably won't bother going to a therapist because that means i have to deal with my parents knowing. i just needed to talk about it. even some of my best friends on this site don't know how i feel, despite talks i've had with them over depression before.

it's hard to articulate how i feel especially typing this up so late at night. i'm just tired of it all really.
 

Taylor

i am alien
is a Top Team Rater Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
What I don't understand about depression is that it is treated as an illness, and I agree. But we ourselves are made to feel bad about the causes for our depression, like we made bad choices and did not make full use of our time to make things better. If you go for treatment there is always a reason for why you are depressed, whether it be social/work/financial/relationship troubles and what we don't realize is that the involvement of others plays a huge role on our depression.

I found the only reason I get upset about myself is because of the position I am, which is not necessarily all my fault because I want to do well for myself and the ones I love but can only work with the tools at my disposal. Our surroundings and our belongings and who we are as a person determine how we go about life and how we feel about ourselves, when the people in our lives are also a cause for whether we are happy or upset about something. They either make it worse, or better. So you can get support for each of these difficulties we face in our lives but depending on how it is treated determines how well we go about beating it.

If there is someone who can understand you and your problems as well as you do and can offer helpful suggestions to make things better, then you're on the right track. That is key. You can tell yourself you won't let it get to you and if everyone around you in your life does not comply, it won't help. I have told myself I am fine with what I have, but everyone else plays either a positive/negative part in my life so they have a huge effect on my feelings and so forth.

I tell myself though how much worse things can get in our lives that it keeps me from letting it eat me up alive. Depression should be treated immediately and by: loved ones, professionals and the right people in a caring environment.
 
What I don't understand about depression is that it is treated as an illness, and I agree. But we ourselves are made to feel bad about the causes for our depression, like we made bad choices and did not make full use of our time to make things better. If you go for treatment there is always a reason for why you are depressed, whether it be social/work/financial/relationship troubles and what we don't realize is that the involvement of others plays a huge role on our depression.
That's not really how it works.
 

Soul Fly

IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
is a Contributor Alumnus
that one evening where you are glad for the fact that you are alive has become so much rarer. I think in a depressive state this is something you need to keep working towards. Don't give in to the voices which call you worthless.
 

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