Smogon Snake Draft I - Introduction

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Yahallo!

Pacifidlog Pitvipers: https://pastebin.com/SdLh3x6L
Shinto Ruin Serpents: https://pastebin.com/yXkardEL
Lanakila Nagas: https://pastebin.com/T5v1eDMk
Lake of Rage Leviathans: https://pastebin.com/EV77NDWc
Terminus Taipans: https://hastebin.com/foruxuhayo.vbs
Berry Forest Bushmasters: https://pastebin.com/B8d2Ny4N
Goldenrod Gliders: https://hastebin.com/ofazaqosuh.css
Victory Road Rattlers: https://hastebin.com/dofediseki.vbs
Ambrette Astrotias: https://pastebin.com/WypMxe9x
Sootopolis Sidewinders: https://pastebin.com/AzhDuvey

Unyahallo!
 
Last edited:

Lavos

Banned deucer.
The first incarnation of the Smogon Snake Draft Tournament is upon us. The wait is almost over, the draft begins today. And yet so many of the teams themselves remain shrouded in a thick fog of mystery. I find it extremely odd that a tournament centered around a specific subcategory of reptiles has dedicated very little attention to the snakes themselves. Ranging from the plain to the mythical, these serpentine gladiators will fight tooth and tail to be the first team to coil around the coveted green Snake Trophy. However, the question remains: which snake takes the cake? Whose scales will prevail?

Luckily, I have devised an infallible rating system based on the four most important attributes of any self-respecting serpent - Honesty, Intelligence, Style, and Snakeishness. Through the patent-pending HISS system, each and every team will have their chosen snake evaluated, rated on a scale of 1 to 10 in each attribute, and averaged out to determine the quality of the mascot in question. Note that these rankings are entirely objective in their nature, and may not represent the official opinions of Smogon.com and the Tournament Directors, but probably should.

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The Victory Road Rattlers

Honesty:
The rattlesnake is very up-front about its intentions in the wild, so much that it carries with it at all timesa device with which it can alert nearby creatures of its presence. The rattlesnake has been known to shake its rattle to forewarn prey that it is about to strike, to give them a fighting chance. 9/10
Intelligence:
Sadly, the rattlesnake is not very intelligent. It chooses to live in arid regions of dry desert, where food is scarce and water may only cross its path once a month or so. As such, it has little exposure to non-desert cultures, and its views on border control are draconian at best. 2/10
Style:
Sporting a diamondback pattern, varying shades of browns and reds, and a highly fashionable (if somewhat old-school) rattle on its tail, the rattlesnake knows exactly how to dress for the climate it's in. This snake wouldn't be caught dead in an old layer of skin. 8/10
Snakeishness:
The rattlesnake is undeniably an archetype of snakes. 10/10

OVERALL: 7/10

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The Berry Forest Bushmasters

Honesty:
Bushmasters hide out in holes and try to surprise their prey, and make no indication as to whether or not they are in a particular hole. An honest snake would at least leave a note. 3/10
Intelligence:
Pit vipers though they may be, these serpents exhibit complex mating patterns, which only rarely end in one bushmaster eating the other. 6/10
Style:
There's not much to be said for chilling in the ground all day. Bushmasters exhibit a rather drab black and tan pattern to match their surroundings. Their glowing red eyes do give them a villainous flair. 5/10
Snakeishness:
Bushmasters are vipers, and vipers are definitely snakes. 10/10

OVERALL: 6/10

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The Lanakila Nagas

Honesty:
Nagas are mythical creatures said to be half man and half snake. This could mean human torso and snake tail, as depicted above (with creative license), or snake head and human body, or some more nightmarish combination. In any case, I can't see the two halves mixing well, so they can't be trusted. 0/10
Intelligence:
Smarter than your average snake. 9/10
Style:
It's not a great look no matter how you slice it. Cover up as much flesh as you can. 1/10
Snakeishness:
Objectively half snake. 5/10

OVERALL: 5/10

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The Lake of Rage Leviathans [not pictured]

Honesty + Intelligence + Style:
Not even the vast wisdom of Google could help me on this one. Leviathan is an incredibly broad term, ranging from a doomsday myth referenced in the Bible to a simple descriptor of a very large creature. With no discernible rhyme or reason to this "Leviathan", it's impossible to rank it based on any of these attributes.
Snakeishness: However, one thing is pretty clear - leviathans aren't snakes. 0/10

OVERALL: 0/10

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The Pacifidlog Pitvipers

Honesty:
Pit vipers have already been mentioned a bit, but most pit vipers are no bushmasters. Instead, these fearsome predators hide amongst various jungle foliage and use camouflage to get the jump on prey. They vary in color from green to blue to banana-yellow. Because they are color-coded to their surroundings, creatures always know which version of pit viper to watch out for. Essentially, a pit viper wears its heart on its sleeve, making them a popular choice for cabinet positions in the animal kingdom. 8/10
Intelligence:
Pit vipers come in many colors, but they don't internally discriminate based on any particular shade of scale. All variety of pit vipers are happy to intermingle among one another. They do occasionally engage in cannibalism, but nobody's perfect. 8/10
Style:
The vipers' one pitfall comes in their monochromatic approach to fashion. They went all-in on the return of the neon tracksuit and lost hard. 2/10
Snakeishness:
These bad boys, although often adorably small, are certainly snakes through and through. 10/10

OVERALL: 7/10

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The Sootopolis Sidewinders

Honesty:
It's easy to know when a sidewinder has recently passed by. These little snakes have hearts of gold, leaving a distinctive "J"-shape in the sand as they move in their own unique fashion. This allows them to traverse sand dunes and other difficult terrain with ease. In addition to this feature, they carry rattles and are among the shyest of snakes. 10/10
Intelligence:
The sidewinder is extremely adept at luring its prey, moving its head at quick speeds to simulate the fluttering of a moth, and its tail at slow speeds to mimic the wriggling of a caterpillar. They also make burrows at very specific times to conserve energy, and even have capabilities to protect them from the elements. However, their lifespans are sadly among the shortest of any snake, so their natural sharpness is often nipped in the bud, before true wisdom can be developed. 7/10
Style:
The sidewinder is perhaps the most polarizing figure in snake fashion, with many applauding its natural adaptation of movement, while others still criticize how it strays from serpentine societal norms. However, the body itself is rather drab, exhibiting all the shades of a rattlesnake, but with inferior patterns. 5/10
Snakeishness:
This quality has been called into question, but upon further examination, the sidewinder is a snake. 10/10

OVERALL: 8/10

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The Ambrette Astrotias

Honesty:
Astrotias are the biggest, thickest, heaviest sea snakes out there. They have the longest fangs of any sea snake and their hunting methods consist of swimming toward prey and biting it to death. Upon its first discovery by humans, the astrotia bit clean through the diver's wetsuit. They have to be given full credit for their no-nonsense approach to marine life. 10/10
Intelligence:
The astrotia is not known for being the sharpest knife in the drawer. Legend has it that after a failed romance, the astrotia was told "it's okay, there are plenty of fish in the sea." It took this expression literally, and has inhabited the Indian and Pacific tropics ever since. 3/10
Style:
It is widely accepted among herpetologists that sea snakes are way cooler than land snakes. The astrotia in particular doesn't boast any gorgeous patterns or brilliant markings, but it makes up for those shortcomings by being really big and really fast. 9/10
Snakeishness:
All the makings of a fine snake, plus massive aquatic upside. 10/10

OVERALL: 8/10

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The Terminus Taipans

Honesty:
Most species of taipan are quite shy. They run away from anything bigger than them for quite some time, and will only attack non-prey if feeling especially threatened. However, their sharp yellow markings are meant to naturally alert creatures to their incredibly powerful venom, which is estimated to be among the deadliest of any snake in the world. Taipans really don't want to bite you, and they want you to be fully aware that you will die if they do. Sadly, most humans don't instinctively understand that yellow means stay away, and have to be trained via continued exposure to "Caution - Wet Floor" signs. 9/10
Intelligence:
The first man to capture a taipan was bitten and died the next day. Taipans have tried to elude most scientific efforts to study them over the years through being really, really deadly - and it's worked. Therefore, they can be given the benefit of the doubt. 9/10
Style:
Although popular among the Wiz Khalifa niche of herpetologists, both casuals and experts can agree that taipans don't look like much of anything. They could easily be mistaken for a rusty hose. 1/10
Snakeishness:
Snake. 10/10

OVERALL: 7/10

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The Shinto Ruin Serpents

Honesty:
Serpent is another ambiguous term, meaning any sort of large snake. The term originated to describe several greater pythons, so that's what will be evaluated. And pythons are as dishonest as they come. From hiding to sneaking to luring to constricting, these bad boas will do anything to get a juicy jungle critter between their jaws. Never trust one. 0/10
Intelligence:
Smart enough to convince a ten-year-old to free it with magic powers. Not smart enough to avoid capture in the first place. 5/10
Style:
Most pythons are so huge and thick that Nicki Minaj decided to make a single which used them as a euphemism for her ass. They have invaded pop culture at its roots and they're here to stay. 10/10
Snakeishness:
To some, the iconic snake. 10/10

OVERALL: 6/10

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The Goldenrod Gliders


Honesty: These snakes propel themselves off high branches and use a wriggling motion while airborne to allow them to effectively fly over huge distances. They wish they were birds and they're not afraid to admit that. 10/10
Intelligence:
These snakes are the Wright Brothers of the reptile world, if there were millions of Wright Brothers. They figured out how to master the skies long before humans did. Try not to get jealous. 10/10
Style:
Every creature that passes underneath the gliding snake's shadow gazes upward in admiration and envy. They are the grace of nature made flesh. 10/10
Snakeishness:
All the qualities of a snake, and so much more. 10/10

OVERALL: 10/10

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In conclusion, please draft me
 
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