Smogon Conspiracy Theories: What Really Goes on Behind the Scenes

By Jukain and Mack the Knife. Art by Bummer.

Introduction

Over time, many of Smogon's denizens have been confronted with doubts about certain users, only to brush them aside. In this article, however, your worst fears are realized, as we spill the beans on how some users have turned to rather shady methods of getting their point across; this has created Smogon's conspiracy theories. While we're not planning to nuke North Korea or anything radical like that, we've definitely got more than enough secrets. With the aid of Mack the Knife, allow me to give you a peek behind the walls of Inside Scoop into the dark secrets of Smogon's finest.

Why Great Sage Is a Robot

Great Sage's inhuman antics over the years have led many to believe and even regard as fact that he is not in fact human but a mindless drone that cares not for the users of Smogon but instead its own goal of spreading math throughout the world. Created at MIT, it is the epitome of hatred and trolling. It has a long history of trolling, dating back to circa 2007. After bearing the title of "Shut me up" for months, the title was removed and eventually it was badged. Over the years, it has pursued many robotic endeavors. These include introducing a math examination to Ubers suspect testing and banning users for denouncing the supremacy of math. Users have been devoiced on Pokemon Showdown for it. Now, he has gotten his comeuppance and is no longer an administrator due to a recent debacle that is of a sensitive nature. Oh, wait, I see lasers shooting towards me in the distance... looks like it's time to go!

Also, take a look at this:

<&GreatSage> and god said div E = rho / epsilon, and div B = 0, and curl E = -dB/dt, and curl B = mu epsilon ∂E/∂t + mu J, and there was light.

I mean, really—come on.

Jellicent Stars in World's End

The World's End is the up-and-coming third film in The Three Flavors Cornetto Trilogy, a trilogy where Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are swapping hilarious pieces of dialogue, while battling zombies, criminals, and most recently aliens. The other films in this trilogy are Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, all of which are directed by the critically acclaimed Edgar Wright. So why do we theorize Jellicent is in this movie? Well, it's about six guys going on a drinking marathon, which sounds awfully familiar to what he does every Friday. Still not convinced? It turns out one of the towns they're in is populated by evil aliens? Still not convinced? This is a piece of dialouge from the script that was taken out in the final cut.

Gary: Man, that Cetliljne guy is getting hammered!

If you unscramble Cetliljne, it really spells Jellicent. Now, all we have to do is get him to admit it.

What Really Goes On in the Article Workshop

Every month, an issue of The Smog is published. What we would like you to think is that every issue is the result of a community of level-headed thinkers working together. What really happens though is that everybody procrastinates until the last second. This makes those last few days chaos, with issues ranging from people rushing to write 20,000 character articles in an hour to trivia masters contemplating if this is how life should really be lived. In the end though, no matter how hard each writer tries to finish his or her article, jumpluff, Jellicent, Bummer, and whoever the current trivia master is do everything, including writing, grammar checking, and art. However, the Smog's head editor—Setsuna—believes that nobody will read a magazine only worked on by four users, so he randomly pulls out names for each article. In fact, Mack the Knife and Jukain didn't even do any work on this article; it was actually singlehandedly done by *censored*.

The Tale of The Smog Issue 28

Once upon a time there was a Birkal. Stranded in a camping tent and constantly being bothered by imbecilic children, he sought refuge on Smogon. Suddenly, thunder struck and the Internet was gone! Unabashed of his love for Smogon, Birkal bolted out the camp "door" and into the rain, beginning a rain dance. He prayed to his tier's overlord, Politoed, to stop the downpour. Unfortunately, it did not, and The Smog lacked Birkal for release.

In the luxurious country of New Zealand, after being questioned about golden gaytimes by users such as ginjaninja, jumpluff was afflicted with yet another disease. During this time, The Smog lost its only HTMLer and one of its two GPers. Needless to say, release was becoming borderline impossible.

Now, there must have been an instigator of these issues—someone whose fault it was unequivocally. Well, it was more like a group of...I don't know. Wait, it appears we have a perpetrator:

~~The Pokémon Showdown attacker~~ <+Deck_Knight> I blame all the freakin' fairies.

All evidence points to the freakin' fairies. Really, Game Freak? You not only gave us a type severely lacking in manliness but a troll. Screw you.

The True Story of Zystral

Zystral always had led an odd life. It is a known fact that he fathered over 50 children while writing trivia at the same time ^{[citation needed]}. Sadly, we theorize that our good friend is now up in the pearly gates (or down in the burning lake of death). We have three possible suspects, and here are our theories on how they each conducted this heinous crime against our former trivia master.

Theory Uno

Jellicent, best known as Smogon's resident drunkard, is one of the main suspects in Zystral's killing. The story goes like this: as he is on all Monday nights, Jellicent was drunk—drunker than drunk. Having downed many bottles of vodka, Jellicent was out. He had to go to the store. Along the way, he found a mysterious man. In his drunken haze, Jellicent thought that he was a beautiful female. He quickly grabbed "her" by the arm and shoved "her" into the liquor store. There, someone just as drunk as him also believed that this man was a female. Naturally, his hormones went wild. Jellicent grabbed the man away and paid for the vodka, proceeding to walk back to his house. The man thought that the vodka was water; because he was thirsty, the bottle of "water" looked like heaven. Unfortunately, the man drank the whole bottle of vodka at once. Jellicent pushed the vodka out of his hand and threw the man against wall. Needless to say, he suffered a concussion. He also suffered alcohol poisoning. The man was Zystral.

Theory Dos

For the longest time, Level 51 had wanted to do The Smog trivia. However, the trivia position was at the time occupied by the illustrious Zystral, who had been around much longer than his unbadged self. However, Level 51 was really dedicated to trivia. He could answer any in-game Pokémon question on the spot and had a knack for questioning others. When he pitched his idea to The Smog staff, they refused his offer, citing the fact that Zystral had been contributing for many issues. Level 51 was thrown into a fit of rage; he had to be the one to do trivia. With this in mind, Level 51 set out on a journey. Resident robot Great Sage was waiting at his throne. It too had a distinct hatred of Zystral (apparently it had something to do with him beating it at a RandBat?). Great Sage provided Level 51 with the power he needed to reach Level 52; this armed him with a scepter. One day, while Zystral was sleeping, Level 51 crept into his room, the scepter in hand. He released the power of his envy upon Zystral and watched him bleed out. Alas, Zystral was no more!

Theory Tres

As you all know, Birkal is obsessed with Rotom, just like Jellicent is obsessed with reenacting Leaving Las Vegas (or he just really likes alcohol). Now, Birkal wanted there to be a Rotom question in The Smog's trivia article, but Zystral refused to make it. When Zystral insulted Rotom to his face—"It's just an overrated levitating spark that has a few alternate formes based off stupid appliances"—Birkal knew that something had to be done. Birkal proceeded to plan out a complex revenge scheme involving electricity, household appliances, and (you guessed it) ghosts. When Zystral's cleaning lady came up, all she found left of our fine, trivia-inclined friend was an electrocuted arm with a Rotom crudely tattooed to it. When the newest Trivia Master Level 51 applied, Birkal made sure there would be a Rotom question (see problem #8). Now Birkal has a complete monopoly over trivia with his lowly puppet. Will the madness ever stop?

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