fair warning: there is virtually 0 chance of this post being anything resembling coherent and it doesn't really have a point beyond venting
In April, I came out as nonbinary in online communities. Sometime over the summer (June, maybe? I don't remember exactly) I came out to my SO and close friends. Since that time I've made a big deal about pronouns etc and just generally made it a big part of my identity.
The other day I was talking to a cis friend about gender shit, and he asked me specifically about nonbinary identity, and as I was explaining the concept to him I found myself having to stretch weirdly far to justify identifying as nonbinary rather than just being transgender. I found that it basically boiled down to "uhhh transitioning is scary and complicated and I kinda don't need that in my life and also I don't experience that much physical dysphoria" except I thought I didn't experience any physical dysphoria at all until I started growing my hair and shaving my legs and generally wishing I could do more.
So maybe I'm just trans. Or maybe I'm just overreacting. And if I AM just trans then on top of all the issues I'd have to deal with as far as transitioning and shit like that I'd also have to like... re-come out, and get everyone on that new pronoun game, and shit like that, and probably have to explain like 500 times why I didn't just do this from the beginning, and even then I STILL don't know if it would be the right thing to do wrt my identity because honestly brain machine's fuckin broke and idk what to think anymore
I definitely identify more as feminine than as masculine but I'm not sure I know to what extent anymore. Shit's rough.
OK if you are having to "stretch" things at all to justify your personal experience/identity to someone (especially cis-het) then I can't help but sense something inappropriate about that conversation. It's fine to field questions (or not to) when you're okay with that, but if someone's questions are leading towards "okay but why aren't you this, instead of that?" then that's inappropriate.
You should feel safe enough in the times you describe your identity to be able to clearly state your experience and your personal self-understanding (even if it's just to say there are parts you're clear about, and other parts aren't so clear yet) without playing Twister or Limbo and end up coming to some conclusion you came up with as a digestible explanation that is truly unfaithful to how you feel inside
^^^^^
So maybe none of this occurred at all in your conversation, but I just felt it a worthwhile gentle reminder to anyone reading this that if you're answering questions, that you are the one in control. You shouldn't have to bend and produce unfaithful self-explanations of your experience to palate ignorance, or to feel that you real, even if it feels simpler to do so in order to feel like you are worth that person's understanding and love.
RE:
Gender Dysphoria Aspects
I see a lot of confusion about this from many circles, but basically, gender dysphoria isn't exclusive to transgender individuals, nor is it a one-size-fits-all litmus test of transgender identity or reality. Gender dysphoria at its simplest is the dissonant experience of physical dysphoria (sex-characteristics: hair, chin size, or w/e), and or a social dysphoria (how your gender is perceived and related to by others compared to your own experience of it).
Individuals from all walks of life (LGBT+ and those outside of it) can experience gender dysphoria, but for those who are not Transgender (or who do identify as such yet) the experience of gender dysphoria is most commonly a purely physical phenomenon (although there is overlap).
For example, a man (regardless of his sexual preference or identity) could experience intense dysphoria over his facial hair. as that secondary sex-characteristic interferes with his sense of feminine gender expression. That experience of dysphoria does not unequivocally indict him to accept and proclaim a transgender identity.
Conversely, a Transgender individual doesn't have to experience or claim any specific type of dysphoria (or any dysphoria at all) to proclaim a trans identity.
For most transgender individuals, the overwhelming personal variables and aspects of gender dysphoria lead them to that realization and conclusion of their transgender experience and identity. Those dysphoric aspects were guiding clues to a bigger picture, not something that destined them to be transgender simply because they didn't like having leg hair.
I'm sorry if this was confusing, but I feel that complicated questions can't always co-exist with uncomplicated answers, but I hope this helped in some way.
I agree tho with what Sandshrewz had to say.
Understanding of who you are comes with pieces and time, and sometimes all at once. Don't burden yourself so much with trying to demand a simple, digestible answer that answers to everything of your experience in its entirety. Because no matter how much peace that might seem to offer right now, you are cheating yourself if you refuse the patient journey that guides you to that understanding.
Don't fear the things that should be enjoyed.