I posted back in this thread in February 2016 and wrote that "I wouldn't really say I'm depressed." Well, flash forward to December 2018, and I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression. The ensuing half a year of my life was terrible. Like many who suffer from depression, I battled persistent sad and "empty" feelings, lost motivation to do social activities, and even had suicidal thoughts. I hurt myself multiple times and was even taken to the hospital and put under suicide watch. Yeah, it was pretty awful.
During school, I would sit in the bathroom by myself during lunch as I felt I had no friends, and it was the only way to escape. At home, I would spend most of my time alone, in the dark, in my room, obsessing over how every single word spoken to me or gesture made towards me during the day was negative. It was horrible and the absolute low point of my life. I was angry and upset over things that in the long-run, were not going to impact me at all. I honestly never would have gotten through it alone.
On the outside, everyone knew me as funny and outgoing, but on the inside, I was quietly burning. I lost interest in all the things I once loved - sports, going out with my friends, and even spending time with my family. I wanted to be alone, isolated from the outside world, so I would not have to continue the facade that I was happy.
I saw two different therapists, but overall, I learned that therapy wasn't for me (and that's okay)! I could never get comfortable talking to really anyone, especially my parents or the aforementioned therapists. The only person I felt safe talking to was one of my best friends. However, I struggled with feelings that I was torturing her by confiding in her. Did she actually feel comfortable talking to me about these heavy topics? Was I borderline emotionally abusing her by telling her all the scary thoughts in my head? In the end, she stopped being friends with me. She couldn't handle carrying the weight of what I was telling her (which is 100% understandable, not upset at all about her decision) and wanted to prioritize her own mental health first, which is important.
The following two days after our friendship ended, I didn't leave my room. I would sit by myself, in the dark, being sad and hopeless. At the time, I hated her. Of course, now I understand why she did what she did, and I back her decision fully. At the time, I felt betrayed; I could no longer talk to the one person I felt comfortable with. I refused to eat. I slept most of the day. Overall, it was easily the darkest time of my battle with depression.
I hated when people would tell me, "it'll get better soon" or "depression doesn't last forever". I would think to myself how none of that was true and how other people had no idea what I was going through, so they shouldn't give me stupid advice. However, I am here today to say that those people were right.
After seven months of torture, I won my fight against clinical depression. I still take anti-depressants and visit my psychologists once in a while, but I'm feeling one hundred times better overall. As someone who has survived struggling with mental illness, I want to tell people battling depression instead
to not give up and that
it will get better. I know that it seems like it will continue forever, but
don't stop fighting. I
promise that if you keep trying, eventually, things will get better. Those words aren't empty, either. I wanted to give up countless times. All I wanted to do was to stop feeling pain all the time. But I continued to fight. I continued to push myself to get up every morning. I continued to push myself to not sit alone in the dark for hours at a time. I continued to push myself to go out once in a while. In the end, I won; I beat depression, and there's no better feeling in the world.
When I struggled with depression and someone told me a story like this, I would hate it. And I know if you're out there fighting mental illness, you're probably feeling the same way. But I promise escaping the horrors of depression is real: that if you don't give up, eventually you'll win. There's no set timetable; it could take weeks, months, or even years. But if you continue to push to get better and believe in yourself and your support system, eventually you'll win.
For those struggling with mental illness now, I have a few tips of advice that helped me. First, never,
ever, sit in the dark, being sad by yourself. Honestly, this is probably one of the worst things you can do. I would try to create a list of fun things to do, so you're never sitting around doing nothing. To this day, my list is one of my bookmarks, and I click it when I have nothing else to do. Mine includes Netflix shows, Animes, Movies, Podcasts, literally anything you can think of. I would also try to set a few goals that you can strive to: even something as silly as finishing a TV series. Being able to cross something off a list will hopefully make you feel productive and accomplished.
Taking this to the next level, try creating a list of actual
productive things to do: exercising every day, going to one social event a week, helping out around the house, etc. Once again, setting and accomplishing goals provides feelings of success. For example, during my depression saga, I was in the middle of studying for the SATs. One of my goals was to get at least a 1400. After taking it three times, I scored a 1420 and felt so proud of myself.
Lastly, please try opening up to others. Having all those terrible feelings inside you bottled up is awful. Your parents or trusted friends are a good place to start, and then potentially going to therapy. Personally, therapy wasn't for me, but I know it was beneficial to others. Just keep in mind that unlike trained professionals, you're friends sometimes can't fully understand you or offer sound advice. They might also not be able to handle the emotional distress. If you don't have anyone you feel comfortable talking to, I will gladly talk to and try to help anyone who reaches at. You can contact me on Discord at emma stone fan#7254. I might not have all the answers, but I'm willing to listen to offer any help I can.
Dealing with depression has sparked a period of personal growth for me. I have learned that your self-perceptions are usually overly critical and often wrong. Even individuals who do not struggle with mental illness routinely underrate themselves. It is often difficult to challenge these thoughts because you ‘feel’ they are valid even if you ‘know’ they are not.
I know depression can make it seem like it'll never get better,
but that's not true. As long as you don't let depression win,
it will get better. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I promise, as someone who has beat depression, it's true. I did not choose depression, but it helped make me who I am today. I hope to use this experience to spread awareness on mental illness and let others know who struggle with depression that one day, it will be okay.