Zystral
めんどくさい、な~
sorry for not having a proper title, i really couldn't come up with something better
i've been having a few problems lately and nobody i normally go to is available to help. so i thought i could talk to smogon.
those who i consider close would know that until not too long ago i was going through a bit of depression and detachment. i won't go through that here, but around a month ago i did feel an improvement after months of therapy and was on the right track again.
sadly not long after (read: now), i realise ive only been running from my problems rather than fixing myself..
that troubles me.
then the fact that i am troubled troubles me.
then the fact that i have more than one trouble troubles me.
so sitting here now, looking at my life from the outside (metaphorically, or as metaphorically as that phrase can be), i am displeased over the fact that my own walls haven't been knocked down. on the contrary they're hardly dented. at most it looks like a 5-year old has crashed a helicopter delivering a payload of paint into them. and so i am at a loss of sorts. it is not so bad that i will spiral back into depression and a a need for daily therapy, but i am still saddened that any progress id seem to make with my mental issues were all in my head. figuratively, that is.
i am at least pleased my world has yet to come crashing down, but at the same time i am a far cry from a week or two ago when i was declaring that i was okay and a happy man again.
that troubles me a lot.
i get that im only a teenager and still have the whole world to deal with and 50-odd years of bullshit to put up with. but it saddens me to think that when i think i am happy, i am simply avoiding my problems. it isn't helped in that im not 100% on what to do with the problems in question. or what they are, for that matter.
what troubles me the most is that i myself am not sure what troubles me the most. as contradictory as that may seem. or perhaps i am leading myself down a continuing path of trouble and despair. like ouroboros. and möbius.
im not sure what im supposed to do to help myself that ive not yet tried.
hm.
maybe that is where i am going wrong. maybe i am not supposed to be helping myself. but im not sure what that means either. i have a plethora of teachers i can talk to, and a handful already are helping me in someways, but i am still not sure why i have a constant feelin of weight and sadness. perhaps they are not the right people to be helpin me either.
hm.
thanks, actually. that gives me an idea. not the solution to all my problems, but an instrument with which to construct a tool that will aid in the gradual decline of my troubles. at least. or so i hope.
thanks for reading smogon.
i've been having a few problems lately and nobody i normally go to is available to help. so i thought i could talk to smogon.
those who i consider close would know that until not too long ago i was going through a bit of depression and detachment. i won't go through that here, but around a month ago i did feel an improvement after months of therapy and was on the right track again.
sadly not long after (read: now), i realise ive only been running from my problems rather than fixing myself..
that troubles me.
then the fact that i am troubled troubles me.
then the fact that i have more than one trouble troubles me.
so sitting here now, looking at my life from the outside (metaphorically, or as metaphorically as that phrase can be), i am displeased over the fact that my own walls haven't been knocked down. on the contrary they're hardly dented. at most it looks like a 5-year old has crashed a helicopter delivering a payload of paint into them. and so i am at a loss of sorts. it is not so bad that i will spiral back into depression and a a need for daily therapy, but i am still saddened that any progress id seem to make with my mental issues were all in my head. figuratively, that is.
i am at least pleased my world has yet to come crashing down, but at the same time i am a far cry from a week or two ago when i was declaring that i was okay and a happy man again.
that troubles me a lot.
i get that im only a teenager and still have the whole world to deal with and 50-odd years of bullshit to put up with. but it saddens me to think that when i think i am happy, i am simply avoiding my problems. it isn't helped in that im not 100% on what to do with the problems in question. or what they are, for that matter.
what troubles me the most is that i myself am not sure what troubles me the most. as contradictory as that may seem. or perhaps i am leading myself down a continuing path of trouble and despair. like ouroboros. and möbius.
im not sure what im supposed to do to help myself that ive not yet tried.
hm.
maybe that is where i am going wrong. maybe i am not supposed to be helping myself. but im not sure what that means either. i have a plethora of teachers i can talk to, and a handful already are helping me in someways, but i am still not sure why i have a constant feelin of weight and sadness. perhaps they are not the right people to be helpin me either.
hm.
thanks, actually. that gives me an idea. not the solution to all my problems, but an instrument with which to construct a tool that will aid in the gradual decline of my troubles. at least. or so i hope.
thanks for reading smogon.