Bratty Lilligant
I was walking through the supermarket with my cute little Lilligant one day. Things were going smoothly at first. I picked up some eggs and a bag of sesame seeds. She was nice and well-behaved until we got to the candy near the checkout. Lilligant had her eyes on these horrifically sugary candy bars. It had a red gyarados on it with the word “RAGE” on it in big letters. As we approached the clerk, she pulled one off the display and put it on the conveyer belt.
“Oh no, Lilligant. It’s too early in the morning to have candy.” I said.
She ignored me and grabbed a whole handful of them. I glared at her.
“Put them back. I’m not buying all those for you.” I said.
She grunted at me and put them on the belt. The clerk looked at me.
“I’m not buying all that candy.” I said to him.
I turned back to Lilligant.
“Put that candy back right now, little missy!” I said sternly.
She turned up her nose at me.
“Fine, I’ll put it back myself, and you can bet it’ll be a long time before you ever get any candy ever again!” I said.
I grabbed all the Rage Candy Bars and put them back on the display. Lilligant screamed at me. Other shoppers were starting to stare at us. Lilligant grabbed another candy bar. I snatched it out of her hands.
“No candy! No! Bad Lilligant! Bad!” I scolded her.
I don’t know what had gotten into her. Normally she was such a nice little girl, always behaved herself and was nice to me. I hadn’t had to get tough with her for a long time.
Lilligant was in full tantrum mode now. She flipped on her back and started screaming and crying. She really wanted that candy, really bad. I ignored her for a moment, paid the clerk for my sesame seeds and eggs, and grabbed Lilligant around her waist. It was quite a scene, and pretty much everyone was staring at us now. As I carried her away, she reached for the candy again. I smacked her hand away.
“No! No candy! Behave yourself!” I shouted.
She continued to cry all the way through the parking lot to the car.
I tossed Lilligant in the back seat with the groceries. Normally I let her sit up front in the passenger seat, but she was on punishment now. She continued to scream and cry like a little brat.
“Lilligant! You’re normally a well-behaved little princess, but lately you’ve been acting like an obnoxious ragamuffin! I’m confiscating your crown!” I said.
I reached my hand over and grabbed Lilligant’s little flower crown. At first she couldn’t believe what I had done and stared wide-eyed in shock. I placed the crown on the car’s dashboard and started driving home. Lilligant screamed and cried even more now, this time out of despair rather than battiness. Her little flower crown was her pride and joy, her favorite thing in the whole world. Now it was on the dashboard, taunting her, haunting her.
I ignored her screams and tears all the way into the parking deck outside my apartment. I grabbed the groceries and Lilligant’s crown and started walking across the bridge to my floor. Lilligant followed close behind. When I got home, I placed her crown up on top of the refrigerator where she couldn’t reach it. She feebly tried to jump up, seeing her beloved crown just out of reach. I couldn’t help but laugh a little. She was so pathetic.
Lilligant turned to me and squealed at me for mercy.
“Oh no, if you want your little crown back, you’re going to have to earn it.” I said.
Lilligant squealed in disbelief.
“There’s a lot of work to do around here and if you do it all, maybe I’ll let you have your crown again.” I said.
Lilligant got down on her knees and begged me. Her eyes were reddened from all the crying she had done.
“All right. I have three jobs for you to do. First, I need you to empty all my ash trays. Second, I need you to vacuum the couch cushions. Third, I need you to scrub the toilet. You do that, and I might let you have your crown back.” I said.
Lilligant squealed in despair again. That was a lot of work for her. Normally I let her laze around most of the day. Also, those were some of the dirtiest jobs in the house.
I pointed to her crown, already starting to dry up without her body to nourish it.
“You better get moving, little girly or your precious crown’s going to dry up and wilt.” I said.
Lilligant screamed in horror and immediately rushed to grab a trash bag. Meanwhile, I sat down at my computer to browse Loudreddit and look at some AMA threads.
Lilligant took a small trash bag and went to my first ashtray. I smoked a bit, but I was trying to cut back, so it actually wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been for her. She dumped the ashes from the first tray, and flew up from the bag in a cloud, right into her face. Lilligant coughed and her normally clean face was gray and dirty now. I decided to help her a tiny bit. I stood up, grabbed a paper towel, dampened it, and threw it at her, landing squarely on the back of her head.
“Here! You’ll need that! I want you to scrub!” I said as I sat down back at my computer.
Lilligant diligently began to scrub the ashtray. I heard her moving on to the other one in the bathroom (I had a dangerous habit of smoking on the shitter; almost burned my pubes a couple times.) I checked to see if she had done a good enough job, and sure enough, there were still some dark spots.
“Lilligant! Get back here! This ashtray isn’t clean enough! Keep scrubbing!” I shouted.
She ran back as fast as she could. I pointed to the dark spots.
“If you want your crown back, it has to be spotless, understand?” I said.
Lilligant nodded and vigorously scrubbed my ashtray.
I went back to the computer. A few minutes later, Lilligant came to me. She got on her knees and presented my two ashtrays, sparkling clean. Her face was stained with soot and her arms were filthy. I nodded.
“Good going. Now get vacuuming. That couch is filthy, filthy like your dirty arms.” I said.
Lilligant squealed at me, shamefully. She hung her head.
“You heard me. Your arms smell like cigarettes. You can’t clean anything without getting it all over yourself, can you, filthy girl! Ha ha!” I said, teasing her.
Lilligant squealed again. I pointed up to the top of the fridge, where her crown still sat. It had lost a single petal.
“Better hurry, girly. Your crown’s starting to wither.” I said.
Lilligant squeaked and panicked and ran for the vacuum cleaner.
I got back to browsing Loudreddit as she began vacuuming the couch cushions. She had only been at it for five minutes before I heard her stop. I walked into the living room and saw her putting the vacuum away. I looked at the couch.
“That was awfully quick, Lilligant.” I said.
She smiled and nodded at me. The couch did indeed appear clean. However, I grabbed one of the cushions and flipped it over, revealing how filthy it was on the underside.
“You think you’re so slick, don’t you? Lilligant, I wasn’t born yesterday, I know how long it takes to clean this couch! Get back to work and don’t half-ass it, you little bum!” I shouted.
Lilligant squealed and cried. She quickly got back to work cleaning the couch cushions.
Almost an hour later, I heard the vacuum stop. I went to go inspect her work.
“Oh, very good. Very good.” I said smiling.
I was feeling nice, so I even helped her wrap up the cord for her. She was covered in dust now, and I think she was sweating a little too. I’m no botanist, so I have no idea how plants sweat, but she had a moist look about her skin. I pointed to the crown on top of the fridge again. It was beginning to turn brown.
“Now get to scrubbing that toilet, or else your crown’s going to wilt.” I said.
Lilligant cried a tiny bit seeing her beloved crown wilting like that. With renewed vigor, she rushed to the bathroom to start scrubbing.
I went to the kitchen to grab a snack while she started. I just made a little grilled cheese sandwich with a few capers in it. Capers, for those who don’t know, are pickled flower buds, and Lilligant hated being around while I ate them. I took my sandwich to the bathroom so I could watch as Lilligant worked.
I saw her with a piece of steel wool scrubbing at my piss stains on the side of the toilet bowl. I ate my sandwich as I looked at her with disgust. Her arms and face were stained with grime, her leafy dress wet and dusty. She smelled the capers in my sandwich and squealed at me with sadness.
“Oh relax. I’m not eating your crown. It’s still on top of the fridge.” I said.
She breathed a sigh of relief and got right back to scrubbing. Watching her work was almost as good as TV. Near the end, I entertained myself by tossing a rolled up wad of toilet paper at the back of her head. She tried her best to ignore me. Finally when she was done, I inspected the toilet.
“Ah, great job, Lilligant. I do believe you have earned your crown back.” I said.
Lilligant squealed with joy and followed me back to the kitchen. She happily danced as I reached on top of the fridge. I gently placed the crown on her head, and it immediately crumbled. The crown had dried out and died after only a few hours. Lilligant stood dumbfounded for a moment, and then began bawling like a child.
“Whoops, looks like you took too long doing your chores. I guess you’ll have to grow a new one.” I said.
Lilligant sobbed into her arms. She took a few of the wilted petals in her hands and wept. I patted her on the back.
“Aw, don’t worry. I still love you, you’re still my cute little girl. Just my cute BALD little girl. Ha ha.” I said, rubbing her bare head.
Lilligant cried even more.
I walked into the bathroom so she could cry a bit more on her own. I turned on the faucet and drew an ice cold bath for her. She had gotten filthy, after all. I went back and picked up Lilligant, who was just now calming down at the loss of her beloved crown.
“Come on, Lilligant. You need a bath.” I said.
I lifted my filthy girl up, carried her into the bathroom and dropped her in the tub. She squealed in shock at the cold water. I laughed, she cried, and somehow I knew god was laughing too.
The end.
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